Growing Wings with a Fear of Flying
*Irrational fear trigger warning*
I used to be deathly afraid to fly,
afraid to lose control.
Turbulence was a metaphor for how erratic my nervous system operated.
Threat, run, threat, freeze, threat, fight.
I have nowhere to go.
No way out.
Trapped in a flying contraption in the sky that was being directed by a man.
A warning overhead at the beginning of the journey.
Obsession, scanning, constantly checking the pulse of others.
No one else was freaking out. Why wasn’t anyone else freaking out?
How were they sleeping?
My fists stayed clenched, gripping so tightly to the arm rests. Tears ran down my cheeks.
Don’t talk to me.
I can’t tell you what kind of snack I want when there’s a possibility I am going to die up here.
A dip. Is this it?
A rattle. Are we going down?
I didn’t talk to my dad in days. I didn’t get to say I love you.
How bad will it hurt?
Or will it be over before we hit?
Close the shade, open the shade.
Music on, music off.
I could hardly breathe.
Nothing to settle.
Nothing to settle until settling meant rewiring.
Notice your thoughts. Notice your thoughts. Notice your thoughts.
What exactly are you afraid of?
Death? You’ve seen it before.
Pain? Nothing greater than that which you’ve already experienced.
Agony? Shock and soul detachment will save you.
Unfinished business? It’ll be here when you come back.
No no no no no no.
It’s none of those things.
It is the positive, it is the light that you’re scared of.
These foreign systems are not part of your subconscious programming.
It’s trust.
It’s faith.
It’s surrender.
It’s letting go.
You’ve been convinced everything is terrifying for as long as can remember.
Don’t do this or this will happen.
You’ve been taught that the world is an evil, scary place, that people are inherently untrustworthy or bad, that terrible things happen every day.
Notice your thoughts. Notice your thoughts. Notice your thoughts.
Where did this dialog come from?
Parents.
Elders.
Teachers.
Friends.
Media.
Word on the street.
But I’ll let you in on a little secret.
These stories do not come from source.
So how do we change our mindset to something entirely unfamiliar?
A few pieces that I found helpful in the healing/rewiring process that I learned by experimentation were:
The goal being to flip the narrative. You are wanting to change the messages your brain sends. Do this by putting one thought in front of the other. Change a negative to a positive, always. It won’t feel natural at first. It’ll feel annoying tbh.
Telling your brain, which tells your nervous system, which tells your body, “I am in charge, and peace is my goal”, is a sure fire way to start reclaiming or learning.
Create a mantra for high intensity/triggering situations (such as the plane) “I am safe. I’m protected. I’m guided. I’m safe. I’m protected. I’m guided. I’m safe. I’m protected. I’m guided. “ Whatever is it, say it over and over again until you don’t need to anymore. You might be saying it for 1 week, 6 months or 4 years. Keep saying it until you’re subconscious believes it.
Connect to your wise self and allow that part of you to soothe and comfort the parts of you that are scared. Maybe that looks like rocking yourself back and forth, singing, swaddling yourself tightly, creating safety for that part. Telling them that the adult you, the wise you is in charge and as a dear friend would say, stick their favorite lollipop in their mouth.
Other components I’d recommend that changed the game for me:
Stop watching tv, stop eating like shit, be in some form of therapy, move your body, sound healing, have a journaling practice, change any products you use to be organic & fluoride-free (if this sends you into a conspiracy theory tailspin of othering me up until this point then you might not be ready), hypnotherapy & Past Life Regression, feeling everything deeply but do not allow it to be in control for too long, speak what’s going on with you to people who can support in love and not feed the fear, remove yourself from people who feed you negativity (at least while your rewiring/healing), and do all the things you love.
Oh, and what I believe to be one of the biggest proponents to my healing was microdosing psilocybin. I don’t lead with this because it is still so stigmatized. but thank heavens I found this medicine. There is so much incredible and powerful anecdotal/clinical research, as well as accurate information being disseminated around people truly healing, because it’s aiding people to be their best selves. And thank you to the state of Oregon to be the first to legalize this medicine.
